My 5 year old has asked me directly whether her birth mother loved her. I say: “You grew in her for nine months, that is a long time. She probably knew that when you came out, she would not be able to keep you. Someone put you in a safe place to be found. So maybe there was a plan for what to do when you were born”…. Sometimes birth fathers get discussed too in this conversation as well as all the known facts we have.

Then we have the ‘how much do you love me?’, partly as an echo of the above conversation and partly because of the book ‘Guess How Much I Love You?’ So this can be quite fun…e.g, as much as all the ice cream of all the freezers in the whole world, but the serious point behind it is ‘Do you love me enough to never give me away?’, and that has to be confirmed, reaffirmed all the time. Related is the theme ‘do you love me as much as my brothers?’, birth children of mine, different birth fathers (to add to the cocktail). This question has not been directly asked but she has asked exactly how long each child was breast fed for (5 months and 9 months) and why the difference. Direct question ‘Did my birth mother breast feed me?’ And I have tried to answer this as openly as I can with no knowledge. Other direct questions so far (from 3 and a half years old):

Was I born in a hospital? Did I get cut out? (she saw a c/section on TV- not expected viewing,
but as I did it for a living her brothers said ‘oh, that’s mama’s work!) Was I hungry when I was found? (What do you think? Oh, I screamed for my milk) Was I cold? (no- I have temperatures for that night at that latitude/longitude.

Did I look nice?
Did I have my Bear? (so guess what, Bear also has a very special story of being alone and finding a little girl to be with forever). Also behind this I think is What did I have for comfort if I was
alone?)

Regarding resilience, my daughter often says she is not afraid of anything. I have openly expressed personal fears/worries such as crossing a busy road, deep water/head underwater, the dark. We have
recently discussed why she is not afraid and the fearful stuff is now coming out. So I think resilience is commended, but space for fear is allowed as is reassurance (working both ways at swimming pool as
she is a fish and I am not).

Having been abandoned by a parent who I later met, I can honestly say that there are deep seated child like feelings that while rationalized with age never quite go away. If a parent tells you how
wonderful/clever/beautiful/special you are, part of you always wonders ‘If I was really like that, why (and how) could the other parent have left me?’ And I have personally never been able to ask the question for myself. So I owe it to my daughter (and my sons) to be honest as possible with the tough stuff. I often start with ‘I don’t know’ or ‘I’m not really sure’ and also try and get them to think things through (or verbalise the things that have been thought through at length on their own!) And of course, this is totally personal, I cannot get it right because I can’t be the perfect parent. Just good enough.